Saturday, November 12, 2016

Adonai

 Adonai

Psalm 110:1 
The LORD says to my Lord, sit at my right hand until I make your enemies your footstool

In this particular text "LORD" is meant for God the Father while "my Lord" which is literally translated from the Hebrew word Adonai. I find comfort in David's hope in a personal relationship with His Savior which had not come yet from his perspective. It's no secret that I deal with depression. I do not run from or care about stigmas or labels that people may give. What I do care about is using my sufferings and shortcomings to point to my Lord, Adonai. Many times I am my own worst enemy in my mind. Many times I realize that it's not just the world where evil exists but deep within my sinful heart. I wrote this song below as a reflection on how I feel many times when I feel isolated and disconnected from my Lord. My prayer is that you might find hope in this as well.


Adonai 
Adonai 
My heart longs for You
My soul runs dry

Adonai
Adonai
To Your name I will run
In Your name I will hide, Adonai

(Verse 1)
In this world that's torn and broken
You rise the sun and bring the rain
When I'm lost and feeling shaken
You're where I will bring my pain
I will take Your yolk upon me
For you will give me rest

Adonai 
Adonai 
My heart longs for You
My soul runs dry

Adonai
Adonai
To Your name I will run
In Your name I will hide, Adonai

(Verse 2)
On the cross you were overtaken
Then You overtook the grave
You crushed the head of darkness
the promise that you gave
I will cast all my fears & anguish
On The One who came to save

(Bridge)
Won't you fill me with Your presence 
Remind me of your grace
I need a whisper of your glory
To overcome this place 

Adonai 
Adonai 
My heart longs for You
My soul runs dry

Adonai
Adonai
To Your name I will run
In Your name I will hide, Adonai

Friday, March 25, 2016

The Artist

The Artist 

"It is finished" You said
After beatings and lynchings
After living a perfect life 
Through a world full of sinning 
As Peter thrice denied You 
Pilate said "I have written what I have written"
"King of the Jews" over Your head
Rejected by Your own children
Lots cast for your clothes
All prophecies fulfilled
Yet the people around you
Shouted "Crucify Him!"
"I thirst" You told them
Before they pierced Your side
But all they would give you
Is a sponge full of vinegar and pride
The full wrath of God
Was released upon You
You knew that this was
What You had come to do
Not a bone would be broken 
As they laid you inside
The disciples were confused
Could their King of Kings really die?
The devil thought he had won
But little did he know
That You would soon rise
Out of the tomb You would go
"Touch my side" ; "Touch my hands"
You told Thomas who doubted
The scars remained for all to see
But death's sting had been shattered
Soon after You went 
To sit upon Your throne
The Comforter was released
It was better for You to go
I await the day
Your chosen are all home
Shouting victorious praise
Every soul accounted for
We will be in awe of Your beauty
In Your glory will we bask
All because of this gruesome 
And sorrowful task
You've painted it all
With such a gracious brush
The bright, warm & dark
The Artist dove in to save the lush







Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Illuminated Again

Illuminated Again

My passion and zeal have completely escaped
I know you're right here but you feels miles away
Draw near to me
You are my ultimate need
Whatever I have placed before You
Make it plain for me to see
So I may turn away
Your presence is what I desire
Restore my spirit and fill me again
Whisper Your words of comfort 
So I may hear You
Breath into my lungs the power of Your glory
So I may feel you
Command my loathing to flee
So I may rise
Won't you take this marbled heart
And break it
Won't you take this weary soul
And make it
On fire and illuminated again







Monday, March 14, 2016

My Blue Eyed Baby Girl

My Blue Eyed Baby Girl

To my blue eyed baby girl,
Who arrived in this world not long ago
At first, I didn't know what to expect 
But the moment I heard you cry 
My undreamt dreams became dreams set in stone
For you to never shed another tear
And always smile from ear to ear
For your spirit to never fear... the dark
And in this dark and broken place we live
I hope to teach you to learn, trust and depend
On the One who can renew us from... our sin
He'll make us new again
I pray that you will come to know the King              
And learn to love unconditionally
I pray that you will come to know the King
And learn to live this life abundantly
    
To my blue eyed baby girl,
I thought I knew the depths of love 
But then you flashed that toothless smile in my direction
You melted my heart like butter in the microwave  
Gave me new perception on everything
Chambers of Love in my heart 
Replaced pride that was there... before you
These chambers let love flood right in 
For you, your mother and the One who knew no sin
It showed me just how truly deep the Father's love is
Our Father's love is pure
And in Him we are secured
I pray that you will come to know the King              
And learn to love unconditionally
I pray that you will come to know the King
And learn to live this life abundantly
         
To my blue eyed baby girl,
One day you will realize that you too are a sinner 
And I'll be there to speak life into your empty heart
This is where the Spirit will intervene 
My prayers will be answered and He will reveal the King
My undreamt dreams this day will come true    
 He has great plans for you 
My prayer that you will come to know the King              
And learn to love unconditionally
My prayer that you will come to know the King
And learn to live this life abundantly
Will be answered
   
To my blue eyed baby girl,
One day together we will never shed another tear 
We will always smile from ear to ear  
There will be no more darkness for us to fear
His light will shine clear
And at the foot of our King
We will live together inside of eternity

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

I Want You For You

I Want You For You

Lord, I want more of You
Not blessings from You, although, You are gracious
Not healing from You, although, You are able
Not financial profit, although, You are the Earth's proprietor
Not approval for my morality, although, You are the law incarnate
Not for an easier path, although, You are merciful
Not to take my burdens, although, You are where peace is found
Not to change my circumstances, although, You are sovereign 
Not for help, although, you are the ultimate servant
Not for refuge, although, You are my fortress
Not for any selfish gain I could ever covet, although, You are the giver of every good and perfect gift
Lord I simply want more of You 
For You


Wednesday, March 2, 2016

The Slient Lamb

The Silent Lamb

As I sit to ponder
About my past 
And how I arrived in this moment
The enemy whispers broken memories
Anguish begins to simmer within
I bury my face in my hands
The weight of this broken world is heavy
It is far too much for me to begin to carry

The pain
The shame
The regret
The disappointment
I glance up at the sky
Though the sun shines my spirit within is dim
The weight of this broken world is heavy
It is far too much for me to begin to carry

I bring my hands to my side
Shake sense into myself
Tighten my jaw and stand
One step, two steps, I will press on
Counterfeit smiles to all who pass by
The weight of this broken world is heavy
It is far too much for me to begin to carry

Starving for purpose
Thirsting for meaning
"I'm fine, how are you?"
Unmovable and steady 
Concrete on the surface
Ceramic and hollow within
The weight of this broken world is heavy
It is far too much for me to begin to carry

Finally, I am home
Comfortably isolated without plastic smiles
I lay down on my stomach 
Hands hidden underneath
My mind will not stop
Paralyzed am I
The weight of this broken world is heavy
It is far too much for me to begin to carry

I plead for my happiness to be tangible
For "I'm fine" to be the truth
Someone come along who understands
Someone with a plan greater
Providence for this pain
Meaning within the anguish
The weight of this broken world is heavy
It is far too much for me to begin to carry

There He is within Scripture's pages
The Silent Lamb who understands my affliction
He absorbed the world's wrath as it was poured
He absorbed these feelings of separation
Weighted down with the shame of the world
The weight of this broken world is heavy
But never too much for my Savior to carry

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Suit Me Up

Suit Me Up

The enemy is shooting shards 
Of lies and frustration
He's Occupying my mind 
With sin's magnification
There are no words to describe 
The pain that's piercing my mind
I'm ruminating on my past
I'm filled with anguish inside
Lord, help me swallow my pride 
And make my heart realize 
It's only by Your work not mine 
That I'm made clean in Your eyes
Lord edify my mind
In the strength of Your might
Suit me up in Your armor 
Give me the power to fight
I'm in the midst of a battle
I'm in a spiritual war
Faith in Your work shields me 
And my sword is Your Word
My belt is buckled in truth 
A plate's protecting my chest
It guards my heart from condemnation 
Launched from darkness' prince
Satan and demons always scheme
They strike with venom when I'm weak
Twist all my thoughts and motives
Attack my identity
Lord edify my mind
In the strength of Your might
Suit me up in Your armor 
Give me the power to fight
With this helmet of salvation 
And laced up boots on my feet
I will go fight for the elect 
Armed with the gospel of peace
The war has been won
But the battle remains
The whole world needs to hear 
How you've died for their stains

Sustain Me Lord
Suit me up

The Valley

The Valley
A Meditation on Psalm 23 

As I walk through this valley
Death is casting its shadow on me
In the distance I can see my Shepherd
His staff and rod remind me 
This pain is temporary
But I will not fear death's shadow
Its been defeated by The King

For, While I'm weak 
The strength of My Shepherd rescued me
While I am stained and tainted
I've been Propitiated 
Was blind but now I clearly see
I will rejoice in this valley
In the presence of my enemies 
My Shepherd will never forsake me
And soon I'll be with Him 
Whom I desperately seek

Though my soul mirrors this desolate valley
Dry and thirsty for redemption's taste
My Shepherd will lead me through paths of righteousness
All for the sake of His glorious name
But I will not fear desolation
Its been defeated by The King

For, While I'm weak 
The strength of My Shepherd rescued me
While I am stained and tainted
I've been Propitiated 
Was blind but now I clearly see
I will rejoice in this valley
In the presence of my enemies 
My Shepherd will never forsake me
And soon I'll be with Him 
Whom I desperately seek

When my Shepherd returns
He will renew it all
Transform this valley into green pastures
My cup will overflow
I shall not want 
For what I've wanted will finally come
Beside still waters 
I'll rest forever in my Shepherd's home

I'll feast at a table with my Shepherd and King



Saturday, February 27, 2016

You Feel So Far

You Feel So Far

I know that You are right here with me
I know that You truly care
I know Your name is above every name
I know of my sin that You would bear
But You feel so far

You are Adonai Purifier
You are the Comforter of those who mourn
You are the Healer of the sick and broken
You are where the world would release its scorn
But You feel so far

Where would I be without Your Spirit?
Where would I release these deep sorrows?
Where would hope hide if You had not found it?
Where would love rest if You had not abode?
But You feel so far

When will these thoughts stop trampling me?
When will peace be a friend of mine?
When will affliction be just a memory?
When will joy toast to a gleeful night?
So You don't feel so far

Thursday, February 25, 2016

The Maestro

The Maestro

Rhythms of creation
Providential patterns 
Resonate in an orchestra of peace
Obey the One
The Maestro
Who composes with scarred hands and feet
On a throne He sits
At God's right hand
Waving His sovereign baton
Heavenly sounds
A perfect symphony
Permeates every realm and beyond

Thursday, February 18, 2016

My Redeemer

My Redeemer

My Redeemer
Lift up my soul
It has been beaten 
Barren in turmoil
All I can think of
Is how I have failed
All I can sing of
Are sorrowful tales

My Redeemer
Take all my rags
Soiled and filthy
I've raised the white flag
I can't do it alone
No matter my effort
I trip and I stumble 
I've lost all of life's pleasure

My Redeemer
All I have is a frown
This smile I make
Is me sad upside down
Fill me once more
Take the sorrow within
Empty me of me
Fill me with You once again

My Redeemer
I have nothing to give
Take all that I am
So I truly may live
Take the depths of my soul
Take my shame and remorse
Exchange it with goodness
Show me Holiness' course

My Redeemer
You walked as a man
You've hurt, You've wept
They stuck nails through your hands
You were hung on a cross
While a spear pierced Your side
Blood and water flowed down
Humility conquered pride

My Redeemer
Now when I feel pain
I remember this image
Of You being hanged
You know what it's like
To hurt for no reason
After all you paid the price
You took on the world's treason

My Redeemer

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Let the Rain Fall

Let the Rain Fall

I have come to a place
A fork in the road
I have a choice to make
Your glory or my own
Why does my soul deep within
Want the glory for itself
Like Robin Hood once did
Justifying acts of theft
Robbing glory from the rich
For all this world is fully yours
And giving to the poor
Poor delusions of grandeur
My depravity within
Envies the easier direction
Less pain and more glory
Selfish gains but more deception
Lies like these I've chased before
But this time it will be different
I've embraced the struggle of Your way
I now trust in Your vision
Though what I see are storms and rain
I hear thunders of affliction
There are various terrains ahead
How is this the path of conviction?
Have I had nails in my hands
Or thorns upon my brow?
You took my sin and shame
What's a little rain and clouds?
This path of great sorrow
but such greater reward
Is from my All in All
I trust you Lord I will endure...

So let the rain fall

Sunday, February 14, 2016

I Will Rest In His Name

I Will Rest In His Name

Have you ever been broken
Trails of tears on your cheek
Has your faith been outspoken
By doubt and disbelief
Have you fought through the demons
Through the bad and the worse
When the walls are caving in
And you're sure there's a curse
Intruding through thoughts
They attack who you are
Hissing and gnawing
While repeating past scars
To me this has happened
A dark night in my room
I fought and I fought
But the thoughts continued
My jaw and fists clinched
I had enough of all this
I called on a name
That one day I had missed
The One who had come
And conquered the dark
Bringing light to the deep
Raising up for my heart
From Judah to Nazareth
He lived in my place 
He never once failed 
Though they spat in His face 
The suffering He felt
No one can compare
The full wrath of God
Is what He had to bear
Justice and Mercy
Such uncommon mates
Met there upon Jesus'
Irresistible grace
In His name I now rest
Through the storm and the still
It's not always easy
But by His wounds I am healed

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Awaken My Hope

I reached deep into my soul to express what it feels like when depression hits me. I know it will come now and then & when it does I cannot stop it but I can weather the storm as it passes. For I know my hope will awaken once again.


Awaken My Hope


There is a void growing quickly
That I've come to know
But I thirst for your presence
To stay with me and sow
The darkness keeps growing
Though I crave your Light
Overshadows my yearning
For your face in the night
The more that I seek you
The further I feel
Is your back turning on me
As I nip at your heels?
The void it keeps growing
No matter my pace
I sprint faster and faster
To catch up to your grace
The darkness consumes me
Shadows fall all around
No light in the distance
I fall on the ground
Do I continue this journey
With my face in the sand?
Crawling and begging
For separation to end
Out of breath and persistence
I remember Your Word
You will never forsake me
That's what I have learned
So here in the darkness
I will be still and wait
Knowing that you are good
My hope soon will awake

Sunday, February 7, 2016

My Katie

I hope that other men may find a wife that will love them through anything like my wife has me. I am blessed & so grateful for my beautiful, loving, sexy & amazing bride. This is for you my love.

My Katie

This woman of mine
She stands by my side
When times are bright or dark
She loves me so well
Like I've cast a spell
Though powers I do not embark
The life she gives
Makes me happy to live
It gets me through thick & thin
Even When I fall down
And break my crown
Like I'm Humpty Dumpty's kin
All the King's men
And all the King's horses
Gather all around
They watch with allure 
As she places so pure
My pieces back together & bound
She prances along
Just like the songs 
Of Solomon's beautiful Bride
Through flaws & all
There is something she saw
And in the Word her love will abide
She follows Him
She follows me
The latter I know not why
But she obeys the Lord
Even though I have scorned
Her life from time to time
She gives me reasons to live
And love to give
For her I will lay down my life
My Katie, My Love, Forever

Thursday, February 4, 2016

In Glory

It's been quite sometime since I have written anything. My heart has been under attack and my mind has been through hell recently. Then a good friend gave me a book to help me understand depression through the eyes of one of the pillars of church history, Charles Haddon Spurgeon. It's called "Spurgeon's Sorrows" and it spoke to me more in the first 50 pages than most books do in 1,000 pages. After reading last night I had to get my thoughts on paper through some poetry. This is what came out of my heart. If you struggle with depression & anxiety I strongly recommend this book.

  In Glory

Though my mind tells me one thing
Your Word says another
Feelings of loneliness & condemnation
Your grace does not falter
For my feelings are not God breathed
My thoughts in a battlefield
I will cling to the foot of the cross
I will one day be healed
In glory with you
The battle finally over
No more feelings of despair
No nagging thoughts taking over
Radiance I will see
Your face in its beauty
I will finally have rest
You will sustain me... In Glory